I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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