I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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