Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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