Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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