Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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