I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
