I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
