I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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