I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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