I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
