I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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