sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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