She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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