why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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