fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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