i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The air was thick with penises
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Randomize
