I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
