god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
