Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
