She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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