best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
