I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
