There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
