just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
