Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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