Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
