Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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