zippers are such a cool invention
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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