I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
