im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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