And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
