We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
