6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
