you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
