And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
