Cold hands, warm shart.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
