Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize