Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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