i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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