i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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