Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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