Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
