Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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