I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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