Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize