I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
