Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
