For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
