That's intense
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
