goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
