My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
