What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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