You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
