'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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