2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
